History Misremembered

These sentences are taken from "English as She is Taught", a collection of answers given by American schoolchildren, published 1887. The whole thing is available in various formats here. These are simply the ones I liked best.

Longevity
Alfred the Great reigned 872 years.
Elijah was a good man who went up to heaven without dying and threw his cloak down for Queen Elizabeth to step over.
Luther introduced Christianity into England a good many thousand years ago. He was once a Pope. He lived at the time of the Rebellion of Worms.
Julius Caesar is noted for his famous telegram despatch I came I saw I conquered.

Technical Terms
Greece is divided into periods.
The history of Rome is wrapped in antiquity.
The Middle Ages come in between antiquity and posterity.


Animals in History
Gorilla warfare was war where men rode on gorillas. [Wishful thinking?]
The Celts were driven out of England into Whales.
Queen Mary married the Dolphin.
The only form of government in Greece was a limited monkey.


Personalities
Columbus knew the earth was round because he balanced an egg on the table.
Benedict Arnold was greatly regretted by the Americans as well as by the English.
Rufus was named William on account of his red hair.
The Britains conquered Julius Caesar and drove him ignominiously from his dominions.
Cromwell was only a parallel with Bonaparte.


Did You Know..?
The Puritans found an insane asylum in the wilds of America.
The Habeas Corpus Act said that a body whether alive or dead could be produced in court.
Slavery was caused by the admission of Missouri into the Union.


Floundering (or How to Answer a Question with no Information)
William Penn was born in Boston in 1607. He was the first white man who founded Pennsylvania. He founded Pennsylvania because his name was William Penn.
Gen. Washington is famous for the Washington Monument.

Cuttings - Lancaster - June 1811

Two stories of military misconduct from the Lancaster Gazette, June 1811. The best thing about these for me is the presence of the words "sennight", "grazier" and "whither". Every day's a school day. Bear in mind that these events take place in the middle of the Napoleonic Wars.

On Friday sennight, a court-martial was held at Boston, on a private in the Local Militia assembled there, named Bilton, for having absented himself from duty, and behaving insolently to his officers - The Court sentenced him, for these offences, to the months imprisonment in the county gaol, - the first and last fortnights of the time in solitary confinement: and the man was accordingly taken under guard to Lincoln on Saturday, and delivered into custody at the castle.

A Lieutenant in the above regiment resigned his commission on Monday, rather than undergo a court-martial on his conduct for appearing in town to be married, at a time when he was availing himself of the excuse of illness for not joining the regiment this year. He is a considerable grazier at Pinchbeck; and when on the point of leading his intended bride into Boston church, was arrested by order of the Colonel, and taken into the field of exercise; whither, in a short time, the lady (albeit, not remarkable for modesty) followed, and demanded her gentleman; and it was with difficulty she could be scared away.

The 28th Regiment at Quatre Bras

Cuttings - Wrexham, April 1894 - Part III

Final clippings from the Wrexham Daily Advertiser, with the loose connecting theme of "cures which are clearly bonkers".

Extract from "Our Ladies' Column - By one of themselves", April 28, 1894

"I had a paper sent to me from Cannes the other day by a doctor who is resting there on his return from the Medial Congress at ROme, and in it I find that both the "Lancet" and the "British Medical Journal" have submitted this "Champagne sans sucre" to exhaustive analysis, and they both declare that it supplies a long-felt want to the medical profession, who hitherto have been afraid to prescribe champagne to their patients because of the sugar ordinarily contained in it, but that this "Laurent Perrier sugarless Champagne" removes the objection, and in addition it is assisted in its reviving effect by the introduction of a proportion of coca leaf extract. Of course, all champagne is a rather costly and luxurious beverage, but taken in moderation, and by those thos are exhausted through illness or overwork, I do not think it will be found to be an extravagant remedy, and it certainly is a pleasant one. All these restorative luxuries I mention for the benefit of my readers, though I hope they may not require them."

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